Trampoline

So I have some good news to share. I have started to feel the medicine start working in me. Some of the cloud has dissipated. I know that the medicine isn't a cure all - heal all, but it gives me hope that it is helping. I'm not sure if the dosage is strong enough... but I need to let it build up in my system a bit more before we change anything.
It's sort of hard to explain exactly how I feel the medicine working. It's sort of hard to explain depression in the first place. So let me start there.
Depression is having no control over feeling sad, unmotivated, and tired. As much as you want to get up and go and do everything that you want to, you just can't. It's like when you first wake up in the morning and you try to make a strong fist, no matter how hard you try you can't do it. As much as you want it, it just won't happen. And it's so frustrating.
So the way I feel the medicine start to working.... It's like when you have the flu. You really don't want to do anything, let alone jump on a trampoline. But then you start to get better and you can do more things, but you still can't jump on a trampoline without your head pounding. That's where I'm at. I'm getting better, but no trampolines for me. Does that make any sense?

On a side note I would just like to say how happy I am that my chemical imbalance isn't one that I want to hurt other people. When I saw the news about what happened in Colorado at the Batman premier, I felt terrible for those people, and then I realized how fortunate I am that I am not facing the same demons that that man is.

Let me know if you have any other questions about depression or anxiety or my personal struggle with it.
Peace and Love

Labels

Sometimes it's really easy to get caught up in the fact that you have depression or anxiety. It's easy to let the disease become you.
Well I am here to proudly say, that I am not depression. I am not anxiety. I am so much more.
Just by making this blog I have placed a giant label on myself that says DEPRESSED. But guess what? That's not me. That's just a sickness I have. That's just my brain pumping out the wrong chemicals. Want to know who I really am?

I am Samara. I am kind, hard-working, loyal, smart, and loving. I enjoy painting and reading and anything outdoors. I love to go on adventures. I write poetry sometimes. And sometimes it's even good when other people help me. I think that I'm funny. (I'm that terrible person that laughs at all of my own jokes.)

And you are so much more than your faults and weaknesses. You are a wonderful person!

Write down who you REALLY are and leave it in a comment. Help me help other people by helping yourself. (Did that even make any sense?? Probably not. Oh well. Just comment.)

This is also who I am:

A Fourth of July Lover

A twin

A Ukrainian

A Gypsy

An Awesome Sibling

An Artist (kind of)

A Best Friend

A Fun-Lover

(I also have obviously had about a million hair styles in the past. Just don't worry about it.)

Paintings

So these are some of the paintings that I have done about depression. Sorry about the crappy quality of the pictures... I will try to work on that.

Rainy Day Always

Mask

Fam

My dear family and friends,
If my making this blog has offended anyone, let me apologize. It was a very  big decision for me to make this blog and to publicize it, but I feel that it was a good decision. The biggest reason I made this blog is to help other people. If I can help just one person with this blog, it was all worth it.
If you found out about my depression and anxiety through this blog and you feel I should have told you in person first, I truly apologize. I didn't mean it personally. You must understand that this is a very hard thing to talk about.
If you suffer from depression and anxiety and you feel uncomfortable with me being so forward, that's okay. It's a big step for me to take and I understand if you don't get why I am doing it.
If you are concerned that I am making this blog too soon or am being too honest with people about what I'm going through, that's okay. It's a very scary thing. Once again though, I feel like this was the right decision.

I just want to HELP people. It's possible that this was the wrong way to do it, but that's something I have to find out for myself. The positive feedback that I have gotten from people has already helped me. My readers are great!

My next challenge, I'm going write a poem to my family and friends that have helped me out through everything. I challenge you to do the same and share it with me!
Peace and Love.

A Poem

Scars healing correctly require patience on my part.
The sun is beaming on my back, frost is on my heart.

Like a bud through fresh new earth, I am starting o're.
With the help of other roots, I'll grow strong once more.

Anxiety

So now to talk about one of my least favorite things: Anxiety.
I'm not even sure where to begin. It's beyond frustrating. Sometimes I will get anxiety about the dumbest things, like going to the gym. My heart will race, my hands will shake, and I will just NOT want to go. For absolutely no reason other than my anxiety!! That is what is so frustrating. Having no control over it.
I wish that anxiety was something tangible so that I could just crush it in my hands. But no. It's a chemical in my brain so I just have to figure out the right medicine to fix it. Aka - I have to have patience. Ugh! I'm not a super patient person so this is a struggle for me. Wish me luck.

On a side note, I have started painting what anxiety and depression feel like. I will try to get picture up the next time I post.

Another side note - thank you all that have read so far. You are completely supportive and positive and it helps so much. You give me courage. I was afraid when I was making this blog that I would be judged but you guys are just great. :)

My first list.

Things that make life worth living.

• Blue skies and sunshine
• Kids and the funny things that they say
• A good book
• The beach
• Icecream
• Henna
• Fresh fruit
• (Let's be honest here) Pretty much anything having to do with summer
• Making someone else smile
• Laughing until your stomache hurts
• Freshly ironed clothes
• Lipstick
• Family (by blood and/or by choice)
• Pie (are too many of these about food yet?)
• Tina Fey (she makes me laugh until I cry)
• Kind strangers
• Attractive men (I'd be lying to myself if I didn't add that to the list.)

Well it's kind of a short list so I will at a later time add more. Please comment with things that make YOUR life worth living. :)

Peace and Love.