Revamp (but no vampires)

I have been thinking a lot about starting up my blog again, but I knew that I wanted to do it differently this time... So I have completely revamped my blog with a different look and feel.  I want to focus more on EVERY aspect of my life rather than just my depression and anxiety. As I have said many times, your depression and anxiety (and etc.) does not define you. And I feel like with the way my blog was going, I was heavily defining myself as such. But there are so many more things about me and so many other sides to me, I like to think that I am a well rounded character. The people in real-life (not just blog-life) know that I am very into fashion. My close friends know that I am very into food (particularly pizza). My fellow nerds know that I am very very into Harry Potter (I am a great person to nerd-out with about this).
I have seen some statistics that show that blogs do better when they are focused in a general area, but I'm not here to make my blog super successful... I'm here to show you how normal (and sometimes awesome) a post-suicidal life can be.

So here is the cliff-notes version of my life since the last time I posted - which was admittedly ions ago.

• I am still together, and very happy with, my boyfriend Ryan. I made extravagant Valentine's Day plans that did not go as planned and I cried. But we still had a great weekend and he didn't even break up with me. (That was my anxiety jumping to the worst conclusion)
• I am still working at my place of employment and I really love it. My coworkers are great and always keep a smile on my face. 
• Still living with my grandparents and I am currently without a car. Losers unite! (Don't worry I'm just waiting to hear back on my car loan and then I will cruise the 'vard again)
•  I have lost 7 pounds since November. I am working hard to eat healthy and exercise regularly and I feel great (usually) because of it. 
• My twin sister is visiting from Germany and I couldn't be happier about it. 

The next post that I am going to do (shortly) is going to be fashion-focused. I haven't quite decided what I want it to be more than that because I have lots of ideas jumbling in my head, so if you want to see anything in particular PLEASE comment. Or email. Or text. Or homing pigeon.

I honestly hope that all of your lives are going excellently, and that you are having a rad day/night. Stay cool. 

I Kept My Promise

I Pinky Promised to you guys that I was going to post today and let you know what my list is. I take Pinky Promises VERY seriously and so here I am. haha
I think I may have said that I was going to hang it on my mirror and take a picture of it and post it? (At least I think that's what I said and I am FAR too lazy to open another tab on my browser and look) But my stupid computer is being stupid and not letting me put a picture on this post for some reason.... So I am going to do this old school and just type it up. A little more boring... but that's okay. You will get the point anyways.

My Plan to be Stellar Samara!

• Keep your day-timer with you at all times so that you don't forget to write anything in it. (I know that having a day-timer that is not on my phone is so archaic... but I don't care. I prefer keeping track of my life that way. haha)
• Stay organized! (I'm currently working on more detailed plans for this one)
•  Re-evaluate your budget monthly.
• Exercise more and eat-out less.
• Have more fun with your wardrobe. (More mixing less matching?)
• Keep doing your happiness journal. :)

This list may not seem like much... but it's exactly what I need right now. All of these goals are attainable and will all benefit me greatly. I like to throw in one easy and fun goal to keep things light. (Thus the clothing goal.) But the rest of the plans listed I am really excited about and I think that my life will just be all the better because of them.

Just a shorty little posty today. :) I hope that you guys are all doing well. Let me know what some of your goals and plans are! Do you have any tips to help me keep mine?

Keep on Progressing!

Alright everybody. I'm probably the worst blogger because I post so sporadically... but that's okay. I mainly do this for me anyways.  But still - I apologize about it. Moving on!
My life is kind of crazy right now. I guess it's always kind of crazy - that's the way life is. But it seems to be especially crazy right now. Let me update you.

I'm still living with my grandparents and I have a really great full time job with wonderful people, so I am really happy about that. I have such a stellar relationship with my family (this includes my immediate and extended family members) and I am so grateful for all of them. My friends are about the best friends a gal could ask for. They are seriously thee coolest cats in town. I also have a babe boyfriend. I know - you're like "Whaaaaat? I thought that you didn't even want a boyfriend!" And to that I retort, "Well I didn't want a dumb boyfriend. The one I caught is the sweetest, most loving and positive dude. He's a hunk that I am so lucky to have found." So now that you have probably puked from how lovey-dovey that was, let me get on to the harder things.
My car is out-of-service right now. Kill me. And there are so many complicated things to go along with it. It has been a big frustration in my life trying to figure it out. And it's going to cost me an arm and a leg and my soul apparently. But I have definitely learned a lot from this experience. Sometimes we have to learn things the hard way because then we remember the lessons better. I think. Even though it sucks royally, you have to look at what you can learn from it. (Although I will admit, when someone tells me I need to learn a lesson when I am going through something hard, I want to punch them in the nose.) Back to the lessons I have learned! I have learned that I have to be in complete complete control of every aspect of my life and not let things slip under the rug. Vigilance! I am going to take a much firmer grip on everything in my life. Time to make more changes and make myself an even better person!!!

I'm actually really excited for these changes because I love to progress. I'm going to write out a detailed plan and hang it on my mirror (cliche - I know) so that I can constantly see it and be reminded of my goals and plans. When I actually make it and hang it i will take a picture and show you guys. Why am I not doing it right now? Because it's late and I'm tired... Get off my back jeeze! ;)

I guess that this is kind of a pointless post where I just told you what's going on in my life.... Wait! It's not pointless! Studies show that you tend to stick to your goals better when you tell someone about them. I know that I haven't technically told you what my goals are yet (it's late, remember?) but I have told you why I am making new goals and that is a great start. I promise - scratch that - Pinky Promise, that I will write out those goals tomorrow and I will share with you what they are.

I'm so grateful to those of you who read. Really. Thank you!
Let me know if you have any new goals or if you are making any positive changes in your life. I would love some fresh ideas!!

Staying Positive

I'm sorry that I haven't posted in so long! But here is a update on my life...

I'm still working at The Ogden Clinic, and really enjoying it. I am really fortunate to work with some great people. I am living with my grandparents, and once again I am very lucky. My grandparents are so wonderful and supportive and my grandmother really is one of my best friends. :)

I have cut out any negative people from my life. It was hard to do, and I still miss them, but honestly it has only been for the best. Keeping myself surrounded with positive, happy people really helps me out a lot. :) I have 2 girlfriends that I am really close to and they make me feel so good about myself. They never put me down or make me feel inferior. Whenever I am feeling sad, mad, confused, etc. they both only say uplifting things and help me get back to my happy self.

I have been exercising more and it's crazy how much that helps my mood. When I exercise it feels like it clears out the cobwebs in my brain and helps me see things clearer. Not to mention all of the health benefits it brings, it helps me want to keep doing good and getting better. It motivates me to eat better, keep things more organized, and gives me more energy through out the day.

I have been working hard on my gratitude journal. I used to do it at night to sort of think about the day and regroup, but I have started doing it in the morning because I think it helps start out my day in a great tone. I like to write serious things (i.e. I'm grateful for my grandmother being such a great listener, I'm grateful that I am a smart person), but I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't throw some funny (but true) things in there as well. Probably at least once a week I write how grateful I am for pizza.

I try to keep myself busy and occupied. I also make plans in the future for me to look forward to. Right now I am exceptionally excited for this weekend because I am flying to North Carolina with all of my siblings. It has been a long time since we have all been together, so I am just stoked.

Overall I am doing really well. :) If you have any thoughts or ideas of how to keep yourself happy and motivated, go ahead and comment or email me. I love hearing from you guys.

One Year

I'm sorry that it has been so long since I have posted. :( I am obviously not the best blogger. But I truly have been very busy. I am still working full time and it's finally my favorite season. Summer!! I love the sunshine. I typically do so much better in the summer. I say typically because I have still had some hard times through the summers. But - for the most part - Summer is when I thrive.

I can't believe that it has been a full year since I started this blog. It is just so crazy to me that a full year has gone by. SO much has happened. I have grown so much since then, learned so much about me, and seen so many different things. I am amazingly grateful of how far I have come and where I am today.
I still am not comfortable about going into details about what I went through last year, but I am doing so much better today. The reminders of what I have been through are constant, but they are no longer painful. I now just see them as tokens of a journey that I had to take. A reminder of my growth. :)

I want to thank everybody that has helped me get where I am and become who I am. I cannot emphasize enough the fact that I would not be where I am without the wonderful wonderful people I have in my life. I just... I don't even have the words. I sincerely love my friends and family so much. And my readers are truly thee best. Your words of comfort and encouragement help me so much. I am so grateful to each one of you.

So this post is a celebration of YOU!!! Isn't that wonderful? It's like a surprise party made especially for you in a blog. haha So give yourself a pat on the back and give yourself a round of applause. Because you are NUMBER 1!! And I just love you. You are all my favorites (don't tell anyone ;) )

I am a Loser

I feel like I have been on a roller coaster lately. Just so many things going on in my life and it's not really a bad thing... just odd. haha So many wonderful things are happening with my family, and so many sad things at the same time. I have gained some really amazing friends, and lost some that I thought would be lifelong. Life is so wierd... it's just so unexpected. It NEVER goes to plan (at least for me). But that seems to be for the best.

Right now I am living with my grandparents, I'm not going to school, I don't have a boyfriend, etc. So sometimes I feel like the BIGGEST LOSER. Like, beyond lame. I thought that I would be so much further in my life at this point than I am. Sometimes when I meet people and they ask me what I am doing with my life I am tempted to lie, or just shout - I AM A LOSER! Of course I don't. Yelling in public places comes off as odd, especially when you are saying how lame you are. Often it is easy to get caught up in comparing myself to others. But I know that it makes it worse to do that so I am trying not to.

I've recently made the goal to embrace where I am in my life and make the most of it. I'm going to pull a Charlie Sheen if you will, and let the world know that I am winning!

So here is the plan (it really helps me to actually write out my plans)

1. Time to stop feeling sorry for myself. So I am going to start helping people who actually do have stuff to complain about. Food drives, shelters, etc. (This is also a little selfish too because helping other people makes me  feel so much better.)
2. Whenever people ask me what I am doing with my life, I am going to PROUDLY say what I am up to. I have actually come a LONG  way since a year ago. I am proud to be where I am today. 
3. I am just going to keep making myself a better and better catch. To be 100% honest (and I'm not just saying this because I am single.) I don't even want to be in a relationship right now. But I am working on myself so that when I do want to be in a relationship, I can be the best girlfriend I can be.
4. I am starting to be religious again. This is a tricky one for me because I have always struggled with my faith, but I feel like having God in my life again is only going to be a good thing. (If you don't believe in God, or are not part of any religion, just gravitate to whatever grounds you and helps you stay positive.)
5. Finally, use my setbacks to push me and motivate me into being the very best. I refuse to stay stagnant or even fall backwards. The climb is uphill, but I'm ready.

Like I said, life is completely unexpected, but it seems to be for the best that way. If I hadn't gone through what I have, I never would have made this blog. I never would have met some of the incredible people taht I have. I never would have seen the beautiful sights I have seen.  So I am choosing to embrace it. I am choosing to love my life.

I am choosing to love my life.

Love is love

Here is another post that has a different author. It's from a really great friend of mine that I have always looked up to. I for a long time didn't know that this person struggles with what they do. Once again, it's a very different struggle than mine, but I can still relate. It's amazing how you can almost always find a way to relate with somebody. I had no idea that this person was gay, and when this person came out of the closet, they lost some friends, and struggled with their family. It was really hard for them.


"Depression feels like you're drowning, while everyone around you is breathing. For me, I used to be fine, happy, outgoing, but finally reached my breaking point. Being gay has always been a struggle, people judge you and treat you differently once they find out. People wouldn't let it go, they'd always make stabs at me, call me names, and I can't even count the number of "friends" I lost after I came out. I finally collapsed in on myself. I felt alone, and like no one could ever understand what I was dealing with. I had no emotion. I was lazy. I didn't want to do anything, go out, talk to people, work, nothing. All I could think about was death. Is it worth it? Would people even care? Would I be better off? My life ceased to matter to me. I contemplated ways to do it. But finally I decided to try my last option, talk to my parents. I never realized how much they cared for me before that moment. Fact is people may not express how much they care for you. People won't always treat you the way you want, people will always hurt you, but they do care. More people care than you realize. I know it's hard to wrap your head around it, but it is a fact. Your death may affect people you never would have thought. Suicide should never be an option. It is still something that consumes my mind, but I could never go through with it. My anxiety and depression is still an uphill battle, but I can make it through, as can anyone else who sets their mind to it. I surround myself with positive people, exercise, play with my pets, go out and do fun activities, and keep myself busy with school and work. It helps so much, and makes me feel so much better. But the fact is, none of us are sane. We all have our moments and weaknesses. But we can all make it through our trials. We're not alone. "We're all mad here."

This person is doing great now, having made some new, better friends, and the family is more understanding. I look up to this person more than ever now.  And I am so proud of them.
I love how this person makes a very private struggle relate-able to everybody.  It's so true in that no matter what you are going through, there is ALWAYS somebody there that loves you and cares about you and wants to help you. I am one of those people. If you want to talk, vent, whatever - I am here. She was so smart to go to her parents before doing anything rash. You will always be surprised by the support you really have.

I hope you are having a good week. Enjoy the sunshine!