I am a Loser

I feel like I have been on a roller coaster lately. Just so many things going on in my life and it's not really a bad thing... just odd. haha So many wonderful things are happening with my family, and so many sad things at the same time. I have gained some really amazing friends, and lost some that I thought would be lifelong. Life is so wierd... it's just so unexpected. It NEVER goes to plan (at least for me). But that seems to be for the best.

Right now I am living with my grandparents, I'm not going to school, I don't have a boyfriend, etc. So sometimes I feel like the BIGGEST LOSER. Like, beyond lame. I thought that I would be so much further in my life at this point than I am. Sometimes when I meet people and they ask me what I am doing with my life I am tempted to lie, or just shout - I AM A LOSER! Of course I don't. Yelling in public places comes off as odd, especially when you are saying how lame you are. Often it is easy to get caught up in comparing myself to others. But I know that it makes it worse to do that so I am trying not to.

I've recently made the goal to embrace where I am in my life and make the most of it. I'm going to pull a Charlie Sheen if you will, and let the world know that I am winning!

So here is the plan (it really helps me to actually write out my plans)

1. Time to stop feeling sorry for myself. So I am going to start helping people who actually do have stuff to complain about. Food drives, shelters, etc. (This is also a little selfish too because helping other people makes me  feel so much better.)
2. Whenever people ask me what I am doing with my life, I am going to PROUDLY say what I am up to. I have actually come a LONG  way since a year ago. I am proud to be where I am today. 
3. I am just going to keep making myself a better and better catch. To be 100% honest (and I'm not just saying this because I am single.) I don't even want to be in a relationship right now. But I am working on myself so that when I do want to be in a relationship, I can be the best girlfriend I can be.
4. I am starting to be religious again. This is a tricky one for me because I have always struggled with my faith, but I feel like having God in my life again is only going to be a good thing. (If you don't believe in God, or are not part of any religion, just gravitate to whatever grounds you and helps you stay positive.)
5. Finally, use my setbacks to push me and motivate me into being the very best. I refuse to stay stagnant or even fall backwards. The climb is uphill, but I'm ready.

Like I said, life is completely unexpected, but it seems to be for the best that way. If I hadn't gone through what I have, I never would have made this blog. I never would have met some of the incredible people taht I have. I never would have seen the beautiful sights I have seen.  So I am choosing to embrace it. I am choosing to love my life.

I am choosing to love my life.

Love is love

Here is another post that has a different author. It's from a really great friend of mine that I have always looked up to. I for a long time didn't know that this person struggles with what they do. Once again, it's a very different struggle than mine, but I can still relate. It's amazing how you can almost always find a way to relate with somebody. I had no idea that this person was gay, and when this person came out of the closet, they lost some friends, and struggled with their family. It was really hard for them.


"Depression feels like you're drowning, while everyone around you is breathing. For me, I used to be fine, happy, outgoing, but finally reached my breaking point. Being gay has always been a struggle, people judge you and treat you differently once they find out. People wouldn't let it go, they'd always make stabs at me, call me names, and I can't even count the number of "friends" I lost after I came out. I finally collapsed in on myself. I felt alone, and like no one could ever understand what I was dealing with. I had no emotion. I was lazy. I didn't want to do anything, go out, talk to people, work, nothing. All I could think about was death. Is it worth it? Would people even care? Would I be better off? My life ceased to matter to me. I contemplated ways to do it. But finally I decided to try my last option, talk to my parents. I never realized how much they cared for me before that moment. Fact is people may not express how much they care for you. People won't always treat you the way you want, people will always hurt you, but they do care. More people care than you realize. I know it's hard to wrap your head around it, but it is a fact. Your death may affect people you never would have thought. Suicide should never be an option. It is still something that consumes my mind, but I could never go through with it. My anxiety and depression is still an uphill battle, but I can make it through, as can anyone else who sets their mind to it. I surround myself with positive people, exercise, play with my pets, go out and do fun activities, and keep myself busy with school and work. It helps so much, and makes me feel so much better. But the fact is, none of us are sane. We all have our moments and weaknesses. But we can all make it through our trials. We're not alone. "We're all mad here."

This person is doing great now, having made some new, better friends, and the family is more understanding. I look up to this person more than ever now.  And I am so proud of them.
I love how this person makes a very private struggle relate-able to everybody.  It's so true in that no matter what you are going through, there is ALWAYS somebody there that loves you and cares about you and wants to help you. I am one of those people. If you want to talk, vent, whatever - I am here. She was so smart to go to her parents before doing anything rash. You will always be surprised by the support you really have.

I hope you are having a good week. Enjoy the sunshine!

First Anxiety Attack

Sorry that it has been so long since I have posted (almost a week!) but in my defense, my week has been a little crazy. Anyways. On to what this post is actually about. I've said it before, and I will say it again; it is a topic that I really don't like talking about because it makes me so uncomfortable. Anxiety. (Ick!)
I'm very excited to say that it is another person's post again. This time from a lovely lovely friend that I made while I was living in St George. Her name is Tessie. She really uses her words well. She very accurately describes an anxiety attack. (And it's a journal entry about the very first one that she had!) She truly is such a sweet person and it shows. I miss her quite a bit. Without any further ado, her words:

"April 13, 2013.
Last Monday I had my first anxiety attack. I can’t believe I haven’t written anything about it until now. I don’t know if you (the reader) have ever experienced one, but if not, I hope that you never have to. The only way I can describe it in a short sentence is, basically your world is ending.
The attack came out of nowhere. I was even relatively relaxed…I was just sitting on my bed with Joey (fiance) when all of a sudden, my throat felt INSANE. I thought maybe I swallowed a bug or something, and I could feel it move down my throat and into my stomach. This is when the paranoia started to set in. It felt like my throat was closing up, and I really believed that there was this “robotic bug” taking over my body. (something like transformers maybe?) By this time, I started to really panic, so Joey tried taking me into the living room in hopes that I could maybe gain some sense of normalcy.
It didn’t help. Things only got worse. I tried my best to tell myself that I was okay, but it was like my body had a mind of it’s own and did not want to listen to me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, my heart was racing and pounding so hard. I honestly believed I was having a heart attack. I felt light headed, dizzy, and nauseous. I even blacked out a few times. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I remember Joey looking at me in the eyes, telling me I was okay, and telling me to just breathe…but I really just had no control. I wanted to believe him, but I just couldn’t.
Joey tried everything to distract me: tv, tumblr(how could that not work? Tumblr always distracts me..), and even food. NOTHING helped. Joey told me he knew something was wrong when I couldn’t even eat a Popsicle which is my all time favorite treat ever. At this point, I really started to believe that I was dying. I never had felt like that before, but, I really thought those were my “last moments.” Joey kept telling me, “you’re okay, you’re okay! just breathe…” Eventually, I just cried out loud, “no, I’m not okay! I am dying! I really think I’m dying! Something does not feel right..” It’s a terrifying and unreal feeling to really start to accept the fact that you are going to die, but also sort of calming? It sounds so nuts and probably over dramatic, but that’s just what I honestly believed in that moment.
Even after that it still got worse. My whole body started to shake and twitch; every single inch of it. I thought maybe I was having a seizure because it was so bad. Joey tried holding me to get it to stop, but I couldn’t control it. It wouldn’t go away. At that moment, I started to think, “am I being posessed? Holy shit. I’m really being posessed.” I think that’s proof that I’ve seen too many scary movies. But I really thought, maybe I am being posessed. maybe this is the end. this is it.
Joey took me to bed to try and get me to sleep, but I was still just shaking so much. Eventually (and surprisingly), after about an hour or so, the only thing that helped me calm down somewhat was when I started to accept that maybe I was dying. I closed my eyes, still shaking but taking very deep breaths, almost like I was waiting to be transported to the “other side” and be greeted by all my loved ones in pure whiteness. But that didn’t happen! I eventually just fell asleep.

When I woke up the next day, I was honestly surprised, but also confused. I didn’t die? I’m still here? But when I looked to my left and saw the love of my life peacefully wake up and smile at me, I was so happy. All I could think was I didn’t get cheated! I’m still here! I still can live my life, get married, have kids and a career. I wanted to cry. Joey just hugged me and I new it was finally over.
I didn’t really even understand what “anxiety attacks” or “panic attacks” were before, but I have so much more sympathy for those who go through them now. Now I know how serious it seems in the moment, even if really nothing is wrong. And now I know for sure how damaging stress can be on your life. I am a typical worry wart. I’m not comfortable unless I have things to worry about, but it’s eventually going to kill me. I’m doing the best that I can now to work on my stress and worrying, and this journal is definitely one of my tools for that.
Last night, I was looking at the stars, amazed at how humans work. We stress about EVERYTHING: being on time to work and school, family relationships, having a perfect body and skin, getting perfect grades so we can have a great career, but what for? None of that matters. Absolutely none of it. Because in the grand scheme of things, we are just tiny little spectacles. No matter where we go, what we do, or how long we “live”, our spirits will forever exist. I will always exist. There are more spirits than there are stars. It makes you wonder why any of us ever stress or worry about anything at all. The earth is constantly moving and we’re never even in the same place twice. And all we are are just tiny little spots in the middle of space. But right now, we’re on earth, and it’s a beautiful place. People (including myself) should learn to enjoy it while they can. There’s no need to stress—especially about those things we have absolutely no control over. Just breathe…you are alive. Enjoy it."

I really really love her last words so I am going to repeat them so that they stick in your head. "Just breath... you are alive. Enjoy it."

I think that it is so profound that after such a terrible terrible ordeal, she can stay positive and put it all into a good perspective.  I find that it always helps me to sort of regroup (like she does) after I have an anxiety attack and remember that life is beautiful and wondrous. I just love this girl. She has come a long ways, but she is still growing. (Just like the rest of us.

Please comment and give Tessie some love and kind words. I hope you are having a beautiful day. Remember that somebody cares very much about you.