Sometimes You Have A Bad Day

I haven't posted for a few days. I keep meaning to post more people stories that they have shared with me. But I'm not going to do that today. Why? Because I am being selfish and I want to vent.
Just a poopy day. And for absolutely no reason. Zero.

Things are actually going so so great for me. I really love my new job and it's going well. I am learning everything and feeling comfortable with it. The people that I work with are so nice. I have been going to the gym and working out. The sun has been shining. I've been able to hang out with some fantastic friends. I really couldn't ask for anything much more.
But for some reason I am stuck in a ditch today. And it is beyond frustrating. It's hard to stay positive on a day like this and I just don't know why. I just want to stay in my bed and listen to sad music. And get fat. And sleep.

Don't worry, I'm not falling back into a spiral. I knew that I was going to have days like this. Just like I know that I will have more in the future. The trick is to not let them turn into week-long catastrophes.  And to accept the fact that you are going to have days like this.
I call them my time-out-days. I don't completely check out of reality. (I still went to work and such) But when I do get home and have time, I just vegetate.
I really don't know why my brain has to have days like this... but I know that I have to give my brain them sometimes.

Rereading this, it's probably the most boring post that I have ever posted. But I don't care because it's real. This is really what I am going through and it's a big part of my struggle with Depp. (That's what I've named my depression.)

Comment please. Send me some love. I hope that you are having a much better day than me.

Learning

I am going to give you guys a update of my life. I am back in my hometown. I actually thought that I would never be back here again because I hated it so much during and after high school. But enough time has passed that I have gotten over it. (For the most part...) But it really is a good thing to be back. Through my journey in the past year I have learned A LOT. A lot about myself, other people, and the world that we live in.
What I have learned about me:

• I honestly don't think that I will ever feel 'normal.' But I am learning to embrace that.
• I have to take 'time-outs' for myself. It REALLY helps with my anxiety if I can just pull myself away from situations for a few minutes and be alone.
• It is very important that I stay active and eat healthy. It's almost baffling how much of a difference that makes in my life.
• It's important that I make attainable goals and stick to them. Just small ones... I'm working on making the long term ones.
• I have to force myself out of my comfort zone. I am very shy when I first meet people, so to make friends I have to make myself uncomfortable and talk to people. This one has been a hard one for me and it's one that I am still working on everyday.
• I still have so much more to learn.

What I have learned about other people:

• Everybody that you love will hurt you... but it does not mean that relationships are not worthwhile.
•  People in general are inherently good. But everybody makes mistakes.
• Everybody has something that they don't want the world to know about.
• Nobody is perfect.
• People will surprise you with how understanding and supporting they can be.

What I have learned about the world:

• In bad times, people will come together in a very profound and uplifting way.
• As bad as it seems sometimes, there is always something just as good happening as the bad.
• People do want to help you. Even strangers.
• We are not alone. As much as it feels that way sometimes, we aren't. :)

Well the lists may not seem like much to you, but they are quite big positive changes for me. Everyday I am learning something new, and I am so grateful for that. I am also so grateful to all of my readers. You guys are great.
Please have a great day and know that somebody cares about you. (ME!!)

Lack of Balance

 Well my last post featuring another person's point-of-view on depression got high marks. So I'm at it again. This time another person with a different struggle. I want to say that this is a really good friend of mine, but the truth is that I have never actually met her. It's strange though because I feel like I know her pretty well. (Probably because I creep on her facebook a lot.) She is such a beautiful lady, inside and out. Her name is Pearl. Yes, that's her real name. She has given me permission to not only share her story, but to let you know who she is. So for that, I am really proud of her. It's not easy to publicly declare things like this.

Pearl's struggle is different than mine so I am really excited to share it. We do have things in common with our battles (I find that most issues do) but I have never experienced it quite like her. We both have body image issues, but I have never taken it to the level that she has. Beautiful Pearl starves herself and then binges. Here is her story from her point of view:

"Ah, where to start. I didn't always struggle. My sisters did (I have 4 sisters.) One was bulimic for a while, then anorexic. My twin always experienced a phase of starving herself. She used to be very obese, and in about 6th grade that all started to change. She starved herself and lost about 60 pounds...in 6th grade. She has kept the weight off and is about my exact body size. I was always thin, never had a problem with cravings/overeating. I actually ate quite a lot as an adolescent, and never gained weight. I had a high metabolism (still kinda do, but deny it.) I have no idea when I started picking up on habits that my Violet (my twin) shared. It was definitely in high school. I started counting my calories, and feeling as though I didn't possess the body I wanted. I started trying to eat 1200 calories, then decreased the amount to 800. I weighed about 106. I started working out after school every day. Then the Summer before college hit. I ran a lot, tried to eat healthy blah blah. Then freshman year I gained the freshman 15 and was totally oblivious of it at the time. I only noticed how much weight I gained when I lost it all about a year ago, and would look at pictures of me (from freshman 15 phase) in disgust. After I lost the weight I was so proud of myself, and kind of got addicted to that feeling of accomplishment. Last year, when I lived with Rakul I continued to try and lose more weight. I went to the gym every day, and ate 1200 calories. I lost a bit more weight, was down to about 120. Then I came home for the Summer (this past summer) and hung out with Violet a lot. She told me she had been running every day for 50 minutes and eating 1000 calories. I was jealous of her discipline, and decided to try and prove that I could do the same. This is where my habits start to get a bit ridiculous. So, I'd been running about 30 minutes maybe every other day, if that much, and eating 1000 calories. This dramatic change in my lifestyle clearly took too much of a toll on my body, so I'd end up engaging in pretty intense bingeing sessions, due to a series of days of starving myself. It's only gotten worse. If I overate one day I would "make up for it" the next day by starving myself/not eating anything for the whole day. Now I overeat so much during these bingeing sessions that I'll starve myself for 3 days after. I think the longest I've gone is 4 days.
The crazy thing is I know exactly how counter-productive this is. I've taken a nutrition course, and everyone in my family is extremely educated when it comes to nutrition. I know why what I'm doing is wrong, unhealthy, and more likely to cause weight gain rather than weight loss. It's become more than wanting to be thin. It's become an addiction a feeling of control. I feel powerful when I'm controlling my eating habits.
Sometimes I think I even subconsciously overeat JUST so I get to starve myself, because knowing I'm doing something so f*cked up gets me off. Knowing I'm doing something that some people would call crazy makes me feel a little high. And it's a plus that I feel tiny during my days of starvation.
Now, with every high comes a crash of depression. After my body can't take the starvation, I'll end up bingeing...and when I do...it is the most intense feeling of shame, disappointment, depression, and disgust that I have ever felt. Because I'm ashamed of eating I'll overeat alone.. Then after I feel like a monster. Like the most repulsive piece of sh*t on the planet.
I can't remember the last time I ate a normal, balanced amount of food for a consistent... 4 days let's say. I either overeat or eat nothing at all. It's to the point where, on the days of the starvation routine, even eating just an apple will fill me with immense guilt and I'll suddenly feel hopeless. Then, because I ate that one apple, as opposed to nothing, I'll just give up. When I give up, I binge.
Sometimes I think I'm learning, I'm getting better at feeling okay with eating more than such small amounts. Sometimes I think I'm training myself to have a more balanced eating habit. Other times I think I'm only getting worse.
I kind of feel like I'm never going to change unless I have some kind of eye opening, dramatic occurrence concerning my habits. I just want to like, go the the doctors and have them tell me "Pearl, eat more, or you're going to die."
I don't really know what's going to shake me.
Oh, I forgot to mention how I feel when I look in the mirror or put pants on. I hate wearing pants because that restricting feeling around my hips is pretty much the equivalent to the love of my life (speaking hypothetically) telling me I'm the fattest person they know. And of course looking in the mirror is torturous 99% of the time. It's my legs I hate the most. And when guys compliment them it makes me feel uncomfortable and angry. This is because what's attractive to a guy is perceived as "fat" by me...because of all the times I've heard guys say they like curvy/meaty more than skinny/bony. I don't want to be curvy. I want to be skinny. If a guy calls me attractive all I'm thinking is "oh, so I'm fat." I would prefer to be so skinny that guys thought I was gross."

As you can see, Pearl is on the road of recovery, and I am so proud of her for it! :D Just like with every mental disorder (I really hate using that word, it has such negative connotations.) she has ups, and she has downs. If you were to make a graph of what recovery looks like, it is not a strait line, it has many curves, downfalls, rises, and even plateaus. But you just have to KEEP MOVING FORWARD.
I really cannot tell you how great I think Pearl is for sharing her story because she is not at the end of her battle. She is still fighting. I think that it is easier for somebody to announce their issues AFTER the issues have run their course. She is doing better though (!) and I want to say that I will always be here to help her. Just like I am here for the rest of you. So far nobody has emailed me, but honestly you can email me anytime and I will be glad to be a listening ear or offer advice. (Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, I am only working from my personal experience.)

I wish that you could send hugs through the internet because I would send one to her. She is so great.
We are all working at our demons, but we are not alone! So don't feel so bad. Don't feel so lonely. Don't feel so crazy. Just accept what you have and move on from there.
Please please comment and send Pearl some positive energies. I hope you are having such a great day. Much love.

Love Always Wins

So I have been tossing an idea around in my head for this blog. I think that I am going to incorporate a different approach to what I'm doing. You see, I know many many people that suffer with depression, anxiety, mood disorders, eating disorders, etc. And many of them have shared with me how great they think this blog is and how proud they are of me being so honest about my struggles. But I am definitely the minority here. Most people don't want people to know about what they are going through. They are more comfortable being more private about their lives. And that is totally fine. Whatever makes you comfortable, is what you should go with. :) I am definitely one of those people that applauds the differences in people. That's what make humans so great. We are all so different. And it is lovely.

But back to what I was starting out saying; my new idea. I want to share more stories with you. Other people's stories. So I have asked a few people in my life (on the internet, in real life, on the phone, etc.) to share their stories, experiences, and thoughts with me so that I might share it with you.
The way that I see it, the more people that we can relate to, the less insane we feel.

So I am going to start out this new chapter by quoting a great friend. This person and I have helped each other out of some difficult times. I really love this person a lot and I am very proud of them.

"We read of bombs going off in foreign countries, in shopping malls, the twin towers, or on the streets of Boston. The death toll could be in the hundreds or thousands. But what of the bombs that are about to explode in the minds of the depressed? Sure, there is only one life at stake, but that life is your own.

The death toll of the depressed comes one at a time, day in and day out. No fan fare, no news coverage, no hoopla. Are their deaths less significant? Not in the least. For these people are mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters and friends. They are co-workers, business owners, spouses and life partners. They have contributed to society in very significant ways.

Please don’t overlook the one. Recognize the signs. Help them fight the fight. There is a very real war going on, it’s just going on inside our heads."

I really love and totally agree with what this person said. It's a very fresh way to look at a very real problem. That's another reason I want to do this, so that you and I, can get another perception or thought on what we are going through.

So if there is anybody out there that really wants to share your story, but you want it to stay completely anonymous, let me know. I would be happy to share your story. Even if you want to share it, and you don't want to be anonymous, I can do that too. :)

Go ahead and comment and share some love with my great friend. And have a great day!

#semicolonproject416

So yesterday I kept seeing pictures on instagram of people's wrists with a semicolon drawn on. I was very confused. They all had the hashtag, #semicolonproject416. This mystery intrigued me so I did a little research. And by research I mean that I clicked on the hashtag to see all of the pictures and what people were saying about them. I was shocked to see that there were almost 300 thousand pictures with this hashtag. And many of them also said this;
"April 16th, all who self harm, are suicidal, depressed, unhappy, have anxiety, has a broken heart, lost a loved one, draw a semicolon on your wrist. Semicolons represent a sentence the author chose not to end. You're the author, the sentence is your life."
This really touched me. I knew I had to join in, even if I was late in the game. So I got out my sharpie and went to work. Then I took the pictures and posted them to instagram.
People might say, oh this doesn't change anything, what good is it accomplishing. Well you could say the same thing about people wearing pink to support breast cancer awareness. But to be fair they are right. This is not going to change the world over night. BUT! It still does something amazing. Something so great. It helps you realize that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 300 thousand people (at the very very least) are right along in this battle with you.
So I encourage you to draw a semicolon on your wrist and hold your wrist high! (Okay maybe you don't have to hold it high, you might look a little crazy.) But at least be proud to be fighting your fight. Because it means that you haven't given up. Your story is still happening. And I promise you, it's only going to get better.
I truly love you all. Have the best day.
Comment and let me know if you are going to do it. Share your pictures! :)


Also my brother let me share his picture with you!!

What I Do to Stay Happy

Well it has been like a million years since I last posted. So that is super lame of me and I apologize. Obviously a lot has happened since I last posted because a lot of time has gone by. To sum up quite shortly, I am back in northern Utah, and I am doing really well.
It has been almost a full year since I started this blog and began this new journey of mine. I am very happy to report that I am doing loads better. Much happier on a day to day basis. But it's not because my life is going so much better or anything like that... in fact I'm probably more of a loser now than I was then... But that just goes to show how much progress I have made and how much better I am doing.
Of course I still have bad moments, days, and even weeks, but generally I am a much happier girl.

Here are some things that I have been doing lately to try to stay on top of the cloud rather than sink below it:

• I have been keeping a 'Happiness Journal' It's a journal that I can only write down happy, good experiences. It's nice to keep on hand because whenever I am feeling down I can pop it open and make myself smile. It's also nice to help me remember the little happy moments throughout the day that otherwise I would have forgotten.
• Every morning when I wake up I say out loud at least 5 things that I am grateful for and I try to say something different everyday. When you start the day out like this, it helps you stay more positive throughout the day
• When I start to feel myself get down, I talk to somebody about it. Wow Samara, that is such an amazing and original idea! Okay I know that this is a seemingly obvious one, but I never used it much before and now that I am I can really see the benefits.
• I have lily-pads. These are things that I look forward to in the future. Like a frog jumping pad to pad I am jumping from good thing to good thing. 

Well go ahead and let me know how YOU try to stay positive. It's a crazy world that we live in with a lot of terrible things... but I now believe that the good outweighs the bad. :)
I hope you are having a wonderful day. Thanks for reading.