Pearl's struggle is different than mine so I am really excited to share it. We do have things in common with our battles (I find that most issues do) but I have never experienced it quite like her. We both have body image issues, but I have never taken it to the level that she has. Beautiful Pearl starves herself and then binges. Here is her story from her point of view:
"Ah, where to start. I didn't always struggle. My sisters did (I have 4 sisters.) One was bulimic for a while, then anorexic. My twin always experienced a phase of starving herself. She used to be very obese, and in about 6th grade that all started to change. She starved herself and lost about 60 pounds...in 6th grade. She has kept the weight off and is about my exact body size. I was always thin, never had a problem with cravings/overeating. I actually ate quite a lot as an adolescent, and never gained weight. I had a high metabolism (still kinda do, but deny it.) I have no idea when I started picking up on habits that my Violet (my twin) shared. It was definitely in high school. I started counting my calories, and feeling as though I didn't possess the body I wanted. I started trying to eat 1200 calories, then decreased the amount to 800. I weighed about 106. I started working out after school every day. Then the Summer before college hit. I ran a lot, tried to eat healthy blah blah. Then freshman year I gained the freshman 15 and was totally oblivious of it at the time. I only noticed how much weight I gained when I lost it all about a year ago, and would look at pictures of me (from freshman 15 phase) in disgust. After I lost the weight I was so proud of myself, and kind of got addicted to that feeling of accomplishment. Last year, when I lived with Rakul I continued to try and lose more weight. I went to the gym every day, and ate 1200 calories. I lost a bit more weight, was down to about 120. Then I came home for the Summer (this past summer) and hung out with Violet a lot. She told me she had been running every day for 50 minutes and eating 1000 calories. I was jealous of her discipline, and decided to try and prove that I could do the same. This is where my habits start to get a bit ridiculous. So, I'd been running about 30 minutes maybe every other day, if that much, and eating 1000 calories. This dramatic change in my lifestyle clearly took too much of a toll on my body, so I'd end up engaging in pretty intense bingeing sessions, due to a series of days of starving myself. It's only gotten worse. If I overate one day I would "make up for it" the next day by starving myself/not eating anything for the whole day. Now I overeat so much during these bingeing sessions that I'll starve myself for 3 days after. I think the longest I've gone is 4 days.
The crazy thing is I know exactly how counter-productive this is. I've taken a nutrition course, and everyone in my family is extremely educated when it comes to nutrition. I know why what I'm doing is wrong, unhealthy, and more likely to cause weight gain rather than weight loss. It's become more than wanting to be thin. It's become an addiction a feeling of control. I feel powerful when I'm controlling my eating habits.
Sometimes I think I even subconsciously overeat JUST so I get to starve myself, because knowing I'm doing something so f*cked up gets me off. Knowing I'm doing something that some people would call crazy makes me feel a little high. And it's a plus that I feel tiny during my days of starvation.
Now, with every high comes a crash of depression. After my body can't take the starvation, I'll end up bingeing...and when I do...it is the most intense feeling of shame, disappointment, depression, and disgust that I have ever felt. Because I'm ashamed of eating I'll overeat alone.. Then after I feel like a monster. Like the most repulsive piece of sh*t on the planet.
I can't remember the last time I ate a normal, balanced amount of food for a consistent... 4 days let's say. I either overeat or eat nothing at all. It's to the point where, on the days of the starvation routine, even eating just an apple will fill me with immense guilt and I'll suddenly feel hopeless. Then, because I ate that one apple, as opposed to nothing, I'll just give up. When I give up, I binge.
Sometimes I think I'm learning, I'm getting better at feeling okay with eating more than such small amounts. Sometimes I think I'm training myself to have a more balanced eating habit. Other times I think I'm only getting worse.
I kind of feel like I'm never going to change unless I have some kind of eye opening, dramatic occurrence concerning my habits. I just want to like, go the the doctors and have them tell me "Pearl, eat more, or you're going to die."
I don't really know what's going to shake me.
Oh, I forgot to mention how I feel when I look in the mirror or put pants on. I hate wearing pants because that restricting feeling around my hips is pretty much the equivalent to the love of my life (speaking hypothetically) telling me I'm the fattest person they know. And of course looking in the mirror is torturous 99% of the time. It's my legs I hate the most. And when guys compliment them it makes me feel uncomfortable and angry. This is because what's attractive to a guy is perceived as "fat" by me...because of all the times I've heard guys say they like curvy/meaty more than skinny/bony. I don't want to be curvy. I want to be skinny. If a guy calls me attractive all I'm thinking is "oh, so I'm fat." I would prefer to be so skinny that guys thought I was gross."
As you can see, Pearl is on the road of recovery, and I am so proud of her for it! :D Just like with every mental disorder (I really hate using that word, it has such negative connotations.) she has ups, and she has downs. If you were to make a graph of what recovery looks like, it is not a strait line, it has many curves, downfalls, rises, and even plateaus. But you just have to KEEP MOVING FORWARD.
I really cannot tell you how great I think Pearl is for sharing her story because she is not at the end of her battle. She is still fighting. I think that it is easier for somebody to announce their issues AFTER the issues have run their course. She is doing better though (!) and I want to say that I will always be here to help her. Just like I am here for the rest of you. So far nobody has emailed me, but honestly you can email me anytime and I will be glad to be a listening ear or offer advice. (Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, I am only working from my personal experience.)
I wish that you could send hugs through the internet because I would send one to her. She is so great.
We are all working at our demons, but we are not alone! So don't feel so bad. Don't feel so lonely. Don't feel so crazy. Just accept what you have and move on from there.
Please please comment and send Pearl some positive energies. I hope you are having such a great day. Much love.
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