First Anxiety Attack

Sorry that it has been so long since I have posted (almost a week!) but in my defense, my week has been a little crazy. Anyways. On to what this post is actually about. I've said it before, and I will say it again; it is a topic that I really don't like talking about because it makes me so uncomfortable. Anxiety. (Ick!)
I'm very excited to say that it is another person's post again. This time from a lovely lovely friend that I made while I was living in St George. Her name is Tessie. She really uses her words well. She very accurately describes an anxiety attack. (And it's a journal entry about the very first one that she had!) She truly is such a sweet person and it shows. I miss her quite a bit. Without any further ado, her words:

"April 13, 2013.
Last Monday I had my first anxiety attack. I can’t believe I haven’t written anything about it until now. I don’t know if you (the reader) have ever experienced one, but if not, I hope that you never have to. The only way I can describe it in a short sentence is, basically your world is ending.
The attack came out of nowhere. I was even relatively relaxed…I was just sitting on my bed with Joey (fiance) when all of a sudden, my throat felt INSANE. I thought maybe I swallowed a bug or something, and I could feel it move down my throat and into my stomach. This is when the paranoia started to set in. It felt like my throat was closing up, and I really believed that there was this “robotic bug” taking over my body. (something like transformers maybe?) By this time, I started to really panic, so Joey tried taking me into the living room in hopes that I could maybe gain some sense of normalcy.
It didn’t help. Things only got worse. I tried my best to tell myself that I was okay, but it was like my body had a mind of it’s own and did not want to listen to me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, my heart was racing and pounding so hard. I honestly believed I was having a heart attack. I felt light headed, dizzy, and nauseous. I even blacked out a few times. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I remember Joey looking at me in the eyes, telling me I was okay, and telling me to just breathe…but I really just had no control. I wanted to believe him, but I just couldn’t.
Joey tried everything to distract me: tv, tumblr(how could that not work? Tumblr always distracts me..), and even food. NOTHING helped. Joey told me he knew something was wrong when I couldn’t even eat a Popsicle which is my all time favorite treat ever. At this point, I really started to believe that I was dying. I never had felt like that before, but, I really thought those were my “last moments.” Joey kept telling me, “you’re okay, you’re okay! just breathe…” Eventually, I just cried out loud, “no, I’m not okay! I am dying! I really think I’m dying! Something does not feel right..” It’s a terrifying and unreal feeling to really start to accept the fact that you are going to die, but also sort of calming? It sounds so nuts and probably over dramatic, but that’s just what I honestly believed in that moment.
Even after that it still got worse. My whole body started to shake and twitch; every single inch of it. I thought maybe I was having a seizure because it was so bad. Joey tried holding me to get it to stop, but I couldn’t control it. It wouldn’t go away. At that moment, I started to think, “am I being posessed? Holy shit. I’m really being posessed.” I think that’s proof that I’ve seen too many scary movies. But I really thought, maybe I am being posessed. maybe this is the end. this is it.
Joey took me to bed to try and get me to sleep, but I was still just shaking so much. Eventually (and surprisingly), after about an hour or so, the only thing that helped me calm down somewhat was when I started to accept that maybe I was dying. I closed my eyes, still shaking but taking very deep breaths, almost like I was waiting to be transported to the “other side” and be greeted by all my loved ones in pure whiteness. But that didn’t happen! I eventually just fell asleep.

When I woke up the next day, I was honestly surprised, but also confused. I didn’t die? I’m still here? But when I looked to my left and saw the love of my life peacefully wake up and smile at me, I was so happy. All I could think was I didn’t get cheated! I’m still here! I still can live my life, get married, have kids and a career. I wanted to cry. Joey just hugged me and I new it was finally over.
I didn’t really even understand what “anxiety attacks” or “panic attacks” were before, but I have so much more sympathy for those who go through them now. Now I know how serious it seems in the moment, even if really nothing is wrong. And now I know for sure how damaging stress can be on your life. I am a typical worry wart. I’m not comfortable unless I have things to worry about, but it’s eventually going to kill me. I’m doing the best that I can now to work on my stress and worrying, and this journal is definitely one of my tools for that.
Last night, I was looking at the stars, amazed at how humans work. We stress about EVERYTHING: being on time to work and school, family relationships, having a perfect body and skin, getting perfect grades so we can have a great career, but what for? None of that matters. Absolutely none of it. Because in the grand scheme of things, we are just tiny little spectacles. No matter where we go, what we do, or how long we “live”, our spirits will forever exist. I will always exist. There are more spirits than there are stars. It makes you wonder why any of us ever stress or worry about anything at all. The earth is constantly moving and we’re never even in the same place twice. And all we are are just tiny little spots in the middle of space. But right now, we’re on earth, and it’s a beautiful place. People (including myself) should learn to enjoy it while they can. There’s no need to stress—especially about those things we have absolutely no control over. Just breathe…you are alive. Enjoy it."

I really really love her last words so I am going to repeat them so that they stick in your head. "Just breath... you are alive. Enjoy it."

I think that it is so profound that after such a terrible terrible ordeal, she can stay positive and put it all into a good perspective.  I find that it always helps me to sort of regroup (like she does) after I have an anxiety attack and remember that life is beautiful and wondrous. I just love this girl. She has come a long ways, but she is still growing. (Just like the rest of us.

Please comment and give Tessie some love and kind words. I hope you are having a beautiful day. Remember that somebody cares very much about you.