SPRING

Just a quick little post because it's Spring and that makes me happy. Why does it make me happy? Because it's a promise of summer. AND BECAUSE FLOWERS.

So let's get outside and hug a tree or plant a flower or just enjoy the beauty of nature. (If you are in prison or work or something like that maybe just draw a picture of a tree)

Regardless of your political and/or religioius beliefs, I think that we can all agree that we can do more to take care of our planet. So let's all put forth a little extra effort to do things that are good for mother nature and probably good for us. And be cool to other humans.

Getting Help

I'm starting this post out with a disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional and have never claimed to be such. I am only speaking from my own experience. I'm sure that some of you reading this think - Well I've had more experience with this than you, dumb blonde! And I'm sure you have, but this is MY blog, so I am going from MY experience. Or you may say - You are completely wrong about everything, you dumb blonde! Of course you can have your own opinion, I'm all for that, but if you comment disagreeing with me, just keep it clean. Also, I prefer "Nonsensical flaxen haired vixen" to dumb blonde. ;)

Woah! That was way intense. But now onto the actual post:

I have had many many people ask me, "When do you know if you need to get help?" I always respond with the same answer, "If you even think that you need help, you probably need help." But let's break that question down a little bit, because really - my answer is a little vague.

First of all 'help' has a very broad range. It can vary from talking to your friend, to seeing a psychiatrist, to going to the ER. If you call a medical clinic or hospital you will hear something like, "If this is a life threatening emergency please hang up and dial 9-1-1 or go to the ER." Same rule applies here. If you really feel like your life is a risk, get immediate help. Please.

Now that we have the scariest one crossed off of the list, let's move on. (phew!)

Because this is a heavy topic I'm going to add cute pictures of baby animals to keep it light.

The simplest, and often time hardest step, is to tell someone how you are feeling. Obviously it has to be somebody that you trust. It also needs to be somebody that will give you GOOD advise. (The homeless guy on the corner selling used water bottles may be a snappy dresser, but probably don't go to him for life advise) Go to somebody that has their own life in order and that you know will be confident with the information you share. 

Sometimes sharing your information with a trusted friend is enough for you. You just needed to get that information out of your head and then you can move on. 

But sometimes this isn't enough and it doesn't really help with how you are feeling/functioning in your life. And that's OKAY. But now is probably the time to talk to a professional. Now don't freak out if this is what you need to do. 15 million people seek out professional counseling every year and benefit from it. It doesn't mean you are crazy sauce. A lot of people get help and here are some of the main reasons people do - if you get overwhelmed with something in your life, after a loss, can't handle your stress or anxiety, overcoming addiction, gain mental clarity, family and relationship issues, depression, phobias, eating disorders, etc.

SALAD YUM!

Choosing a provider can be a little overwhelming. Where do you even start??? Here is where you even start- Do you have insurance? If you do, there will be a number on the back of your card that you can call and they will give you a list of providers in your area that are covered, or often times you can go online and get the same list. Now you can choose at random one of those from the list, or you can do a little research online or calling each providers office to get more information. 

If you don't have insurance, or if mental health is not a benefit covered by your insurance, you need to look at your budget and see what you can afford to pay each month to get help. If you can pay out of pocket, then just do some research by asking friends, going online, or calling around. If  you can't afford to pay very much, there are programs that can help you pay, or in most communities there are centers that will have counselors who volunteer so you don't have to pay as much. Also look into any groups you are with to see if they can help. Schools have counseling services and some workplaces will have them too. Church groups will often help with expenses, or help to just point you in the right direction. Don't give up immediately if you don't have the money. There are many services that are willing to help.

If you start going to counseling you have to keep a few things in mind: The first time you meet with this person it is more than likely going to be awkward and just feel weird. Well, what did you expect? You are meeting with a stranger and talking about the intimate details of your life! In my experience, it takes 2-4 sessions to feel comfortable. Also, the first person (or first 4) that you meet with might not be the right fit for you. And that's OKAY. Don't give up yet. :)

Cute little buddy hiding in his tube. 

A good counselor will be a good listener (I feel like this one is a given, but I'm listing it just in case) and will help you come up with a plan to be feeling normal again. The counselor that I am seeing right now gives me homework when I leave. (This is one of the very few instances that homework isn't thee very worst thing in the world because it helps me feel good) But I have also seen counselors (that I really liked and really helped me) that are more subtle about my 'homework'. I once had a counselor where he would say something and it would hit me 4 days later how profound and perfect it was, and I would learn and grow from that. So there are many different styles of counseling, you just have to find the one that best fits you and your life. 

Sometimes seeing a counselor and having them help you come up with a plan to normalcy is enough for you and you just have to see them for a few months or a little bit longer and you can move on from there. :)

Sometimes you still feel poopy after counseling and it hasn't helped your general mood, even if it has helped you figure out some important things in your life. And that's OKAY. But now your counselor or doctor may recommend medications. If your religion is against these kind of medications, or if you have really done the research and you believe that they are wrong, then of course no one is holding a gun to your head making you take them. But, if your neighbor down the road said that he thinks they are un-American and that's why you are refusing, I would recommend doing a little more research on the subject. Millions of people take medications every year that really do benefit them.

I love lions more than anything.

If you do choose to follow the recommendations of your counselor or doctor and take medications, talk to your doctor about how long he/she plans on you taking them. With some medications they will have you take them for a short time and then you will go off of them. With some medications you will need to take them longer, even taking some for the rest of your life. And that's OKAY. There may also be side-effects when you first start taking it. Often times these will go away within a few days to a few weeks. And you may need to take more or less during different parts of the year. More people are on antidepressants during the winter than they are during the summer, and more people take them in Seattle than Phoenix. 

Medications aren't the only other thing that can help besides therapy either. Talk to your doctor or counselor (and when I say counselor that includes ALL mental health professionals) about your other options. 

Meow meow meow

Your story may not even happen in this order. I know a lot of people who have gone to their doctor for symptoms like, being tired all of the time, loss of interest, and weight loss and the doctor prescribes them an antidepressant and then they go to therapy. It doesn't really matter how it happens, as long as  you get the help you need.

Tips if you are a friend of somebody that you think needs help, or is going through this process: 

Don't be judgmental - nobody likes that person. Just be supportive and show your love for them. Don't say things like, "Well just stop feeling that way," or "Other people have it worse." Obviously they would stop feeling that way if they could. And they are fully aware of how people have things worse than them, it doesn't make what they are going through any less worse - it just makes them feel more guilty. Once again, just be supportive and show your love for them. 

I really hope that this post will help some of you. I really do love you all and hope you are having a great day. Comment to show your love for people trying to be brave enough to get help.

Dressing for your body

In my life - and especially in the workplace - I often get asked the question, "Do looks really matter?" Now I always respond with "Yes, of course they matter," but I never really had any hard proof to back me up. So I did the research and many studies and statistics give a resounding YES! Studies show that you make and gain a first impression within 7 seconds of meeting somebody. 7 seconds! . In 1990 researcher Mary Lynn Damhorst conducted an analysis to determine the kind of information that was communicated by dress; she found that in the majority of the studies (81%), the content of the information communicated by dress was competence, power, intelligence, character, sociability, and mood.


Just in case you didn't catch that - within 7 seconds of meeting someone, 81% of the information you use to create a first impression is based solely on dress. That's crazy!


And not only do looks matter when meeting other people, there are studies upon studies of how your look affects your behavior. I saw research where they studied people in the workplace, and the people that put forth the effort to look good that day actually had a faster typing rate, learned and retained information better, and had better communication and social skills.


I could go on and on as to reasons why you should choose to look good... but this post is going to be long enough anyways. So just trust me. (Also sorry for all of the boring facts and figures - on to the fun stuff!) Now that you know the importance of dressing well, how do we go about doing it?


First things first - you have to know your body type and embrace your body type. You need to dress for the body you have, not the body you want. So take a minute to give yourself a hug and love yourself. Awww!



This picture shows how dressing correctly for your body really helps you look better.


There are 5 main body types: Pear, Inverted Triangle, Rectangle, Apple, Hourglass. Notice that there is not a type for plus size or petite, or tall or short. You can have every body size in every body shape. And I really want you guys to know that if you read a rule about your body type, and you know that you have a piece of clothing that breaks that rule but you look amazing in it, THEN WEAR IT! Confidence is HUGE when it comes to dressing and how you look. As long as you feel great in what you are wearing, you will look great. :) Just try to have fun with it.

Also, as you read through these if you are still confused on what body type your are, here is a link that will help you figure it out -

On to how to dress!

Pear!

• Just like the shape of a pear, you are larger on the bottom half of your body.
• If you gain weight you typically gain it in the thigh-to-hip-area first.
• Your upper body is smaller including smaller breasts and shoulders.

Because you are larger on your bottom half, we are going to try to emphasize the smaller upper half of your body. You aren't going to want to add more volume to parts of your body that already have enough volume and you are going to want to draw the eye to the smallest parts. You are also probably wanting to even out your body. How do we do that? Here's how!



Do:

• A-line skirts
• Bootleg or wide-leg pants
• Light colors on top and dark colors on bottom (dark draws your eye away, and lights draw your eye towards)
• Boat, square, and cowl necklines
• Big chunky fun necklaces and scarves (this will add more volume and draw your eye to your upper body)
• Jackets that hit right above the waist (so as to not add volume to your hips)

Don't:

• Skin-tight skinny jeans
• Ruffled skirts or pants
• Big chunky bracelets (this will draw the eye to your lower body)

Inverted Triangle!

• The opposite of the Pear, you are larger on the upper half of your body.
• When you gain weight you typically gain it in your arms and chest.
• Your lower body is smaller including a smaller butt and thighs.

Because you are larger on your upper half, we are going to try to emphasize the smaller lower half of your body. You aren't going to want to add more volume to parts of your body that already have enough volume and you are going to want to draw the eye to the smallest parts. You are also probably wanting to even out your body. How do we do that? Here's how!

Do:

• Full skirts with lots of volume (think a flirty, twirly skirt)
• Skinny or wide leg pants (just make sure to balance out your top with whichever you are wearing)
• Blouses and tops that have a waistline
• High waist-ed pants and skirts (you are one of the body types that can really rock this style)
• Dresses with a cinched waist
• Fun chunky bracelets (drawing the eye to your smaller lower body)

Don't:

• Boat and crowl neck tops
• Tops that are ruffled or have a lot of appliques
• Shoulder pads (you don't want to add more volume to the biggest part of your body)
• Bulky scarves and necklaces

Rectangle!

• Your bust, waist, and hips all have generally the same measurements.
• Your smaller arms and legs are your assets.

Because your body has generally the same measurements, we are going to emphasize your smaller legs and arms and create curves using clothing. Just like with any body shape, the Rectangle can be very athletic or plus size or anything in between, but we are going to make you look just as feminine as those shapes with more curves. How do we do that? Here's how!


Do:

• Scoop neck and sweetheart necklines (to add a feminine curve)
• Longer jackets that go to or past the hip
• Collars, ruffles or gathering on chest
• Layer clothing (you can afford to add some volume)
• Dresses with cinched waists
• Skinny and boot cut jeans
• Peplum tops and dresses

Don't:

• Box-y shirts
• Unevenly distribute volume (you can make yourself look like a pear or inverted triangle if you don't do it correctly)
• Clothing that is saggy on parts of your body (your butt or bust)

An extra tip: Androgynous style (clothing that seems like it can be worn on a man or woman) can look really great on the Rectangle. Just keep it feminine with colors, patterns, and jewelry.

Apple!

• You have a larger upper half of your body, including more weight in your stomach.
• When you gain weight you typically gain it in your stomach, chest or arms.
• Your hips, thighs, and legs are the smallest part of your body.

Because you are larger on your upper half, we are going to try to emphasize the smaller lower half of your body. You aren't going to want to add more volume to parts of your body that already have enough volume and you are going to want to draw the eye to the smallest parts. You are also probably wanting to even out your body. How do we do that? Here's how!


Do:

• 'V' necks
• Dresses with an empire waist (let the fabric drape over the largest part of your body rather than hug it)
• Bootcut and flared jeans
• Dark on top and light on bottom (dark draws the eye away and light draws the eye towards)
• Fun chunky bracelets
• Gathering on stomach
• Drop waist dress (Think Great Gatsby! You are a body type that really pulls of this style)

Don't:

• Blouses and tops with ruffles
• Really tight tops
• Bulky scarves, necklaces
• Shoulder pads

Hourglass!

• Your hip and bust measurements are relatively the same and your waist measurement is smaller.
• You typically gain weight in your chest and butt before anywhere else.
• The smallest part of your body is your waist.

Because your largest parts are your bust and hip, you are going to want to emphasize your smallest part, which is your waist. You are going to want to accentuate your body without going over-board.

Do:

• Dresses with cinched waists or belted
• Skinny or straight jeans
• Jackets that come down to your hip
• Scoop neck, or cowl neckline
• Structured pieces
• Keep it simple

Don't:

• Baggy clothing (this will hide your smallest part, your waist, and only show the largest parts)
• Bulky fabrics
• Wear skin tight all of the time (this can be fine for going out at night, but it's not appropriate for the work place)

Tips for looking taller:

• Stay away from horizontal lines as these will cut you off.
• A pointed toe shoe will elongate your legs
• Clothes that are too long for you will make you look shorter. Keep your clothes tailored.
• Vertical lines will elongate your body.

Tips for looking thinner:

• Like we said with each of the body shapes, emphasize your smallest part(s).
• Although you may feel smaller in clothing that is too big for you, you actually end up looking bigger. Wear the correct size for your body.
• Wearing dark on a body part you don't love (for me it's my thighs) will draw the eye AWAY from that area. Then wear a light or bright color on a body part you love and that will draw the eye TO that area.

The most important thing for any of these body shapes is to have fun with what you are wearing. Mix things up! Take a little extra time in the morning to make sure that what you are wearing REALLY looks good on your body. If it doesn't, see if there are some simple changes you can make that will make a difference.


I hope that this post has helped some of you out there. If you are still confused or have any questions go ahead and email me. I am also willing to help by going through your closet with you and showing you how to put pieces together in a way that looks best on you. Once again, just email me and we will talk about specifics. (Reminder that if you were in the class I taught about this on 04/10/14, I will do this for free for you.)

Go ahead and comment with any stories, extra tips, or if you think that I am completely wrong and am burning years of work that feminists have done. (Side note - I do consider myself a feminist in most regards, I just also think that you can look good while doing it. I'm a lipstick feminist)

Also I will be doing a post on How to Dress for Success probably next week and another one on something else between then and now (if there is something in particular that you want to see, let me know. Especially you dudes because I know that this post is very geared towards womens). Have such a fabulous day!

Keeping up with the Jones'

When I was younger, I HATED my older and younger brothers and I fought quite a bit with my twin. Older people would always say things like, "When you get older you will all be friends." and I would laugh because I knew that they were so wrong. While I did know that I would always be best friends with my twin (we don't even really have a choice), there was no way that I would ever be friends with my stinky, mean, disgusting brothers.

Now we are all grown up and live all over the world. Spread out all over the continents - never have we been further apart. We have every excuse in the book to never communicate with each other and just live distant lives. But - we are actually all best friends. (I already got the "I told you so!" years ago so don't say it again now. haha) It's interesting to me how it happened. We didn't just all grow up and then decide that it was time to be friends. We each had to get to know each other again, and it happened slowly over time. Because we are all so spread out, Facebook and other things like it have been really beneficial to us. In fact, it's really what brought us all back together. It's even how I have gotten to know my in-laws better and I'm really glad about that because, once again, they both live really far away.

Last year we all got together at a beach house in North Carolina and it was the best vacation I have ever had. It wasn't the most luxurious or adventurous, but it's my happy place that I go to in my mind. I would say that it's because I'm surrounded by the people I love, but I have been on vacations that fit that criteria and it wasn't the same. I don't even know how to explain it... it was magical. (I realize how puke-y that comment is and I'm still not changing it.)

We are doing it again this June and although not all of us can make it this time, I'm still really really really excited.  It's one of my biggest lilly-pads. (click here to see what I'm talking about) And I'm even bringing my boyfriend this time! Should we take bets on how long it takes until one of my brothers kills him? hahaha Just kidding Ryan! (kind of) haha

While my brothers are still kind of snot-nosed-meanies, I now see the humor in it. And weirdly enough, the same brother that set the couch on fire that my twin sister and I were laying on when we were babies, is the one that everybody says I am the most like. And my little brother who had been estranged from everyone for years, is now just as close with everybody as I am.

While we still fight (especially me and my twin), at the end of the day we will ALWAYS have each other's backs. We would each fight and kill for each other and are there to listen to each others problems. We are definitely not a perfect family, but I wouldn't trade these idiots for anything.

Go ahead and comment and share your favorite memory with either your family or friends. OR Just tell me one of your favorite vacations!

Black is the new Black

For my first fashion post I decided to start with my basic - black.

My favorite color ya'll

And by basic I don't mean unsophisticated. I mean that it feels like going home, or that it's something I can always rely on to feel comfortable, chic, and put together. Yohji Yamamoto said it perfectly -"Black is modest and arrogant at the same time. Black is lazy and easy - but mysterious." And if there is anything about me that you need to know, it's that I am lazy and mysterious. hahaha Just kidding.

I did a little research on the psychological properties of the color black. Black is powerful (sometimes intimidating), it communicates sophistication, it creates a perception of weight and seriousness, and implies self-control and discipline. (Do I sound like a boss yet?) But I REALLY don't think that I come off as intimidating. I don't think I could if I tried. haha I just like black, okay?

Happy Happy Happy

But black being my favorite color does not mean that I am depressed and/or angry all the time. It actually makes me really happy to wear black. This sounds weird - but when I wear black I feel like I am wearing a hug all day. So don't worry if you see me wearing all-black-all-the-time, because I am actually wearing all-hugs-all-the-time! And my cutie friend Ashlee agrees with me. She says, and I quote, ""Wearing black is something that makes me feel good. Black just fits and looks good on any day. - But really though." Obviously she's pretty darn cool. 

Need anymore reasons to wear black? Johnny Cash did it. So does Mary-Kate and Ashley. It can cause you to blend in or stand out. It's figure flattering on every skin tone. It's a neutral that can go with ANY other color. (I challenge you to find a color that doesn't look fab with it) Like Karl Lagerfeld said, "One is never overdressed or under-dressed in a little black dress." And Coco Chanel said, "Women think of all colors except the absence of color. I have said black has it all. White too. Their beauty is absolute. It is the perfect harmony." If Karl and Coco say it's okay, it's REALLY okay.

 

But you are probably asking yourself, "WHY DO I CARE THAT YOU WEAR BLACK?". And to that I say, "Okay, calm down. There is really no need to yell here, I can hear you just fine." I'm waiting for an apology now but you've had a rather frustrating day so you just can't do that.
Luckily I am empathetic and I am moving on. The reason that you might care a little bit is because I have had a lot of people tell me that my attitude (depression) would cheer up if my wardrobe would cheer up. And that's just not the case with me. 

Black makes me happy. Plain and simple.

So I am telling you to do what makes you happy. Regardless of everybody's misconceptions are about what makes you happy, just do it anyways. (As long as you are doing safe things. You might say that knife fights make you happy but you should in no way compare that to my long-black-fringed-kimono-vest that makes me feel like a million bucks.) So if clowns genuinely make you happy and don't scare your pants off - then buy the clown coloring book. Or if castles are your absolute favorite things and you have the means to build one (complete with a moat and door/bridge) then by all means, build that sucker. (And then invite me over because I want to see it.)

I mean, come summertime I probably won't be wearing black as often because my summer clothes are not as dark as my winter clothes. (Although I do have dreams of a giant vat of black RIT dye and throwing all my clothes and inhibitions in there...) But - summertime is my most comfortable season anyways. 

 

And don't mind that I'm not smiling in hardly any of these pictures.... there was a lot going on that day. haha 

Revamp (but no vampires)

I have been thinking a lot about starting up my blog again, but I knew that I wanted to do it differently this time... So I have completely revamped my blog with a different look and feel.  I want to focus more on EVERY aspect of my life rather than just my depression and anxiety. As I have said many times, your depression and anxiety (and etc.) does not define you. And I feel like with the way my blog was going, I was heavily defining myself as such. But there are so many more things about me and so many other sides to me, I like to think that I am a well rounded character. The people in real-life (not just blog-life) know that I am very into fashion. My close friends know that I am very into food (particularly pizza). My fellow nerds know that I am very very into Harry Potter (I am a great person to nerd-out with about this).
I have seen some statistics that show that blogs do better when they are focused in a general area, but I'm not here to make my blog super successful... I'm here to show you how normal (and sometimes awesome) a post-suicidal life can be.

So here is the cliff-notes version of my life since the last time I posted - which was admittedly ions ago.

• I am still together, and very happy with, my boyfriend Ryan. I made extravagant Valentine's Day plans that did not go as planned and I cried. But we still had a great weekend and he didn't even break up with me. (That was my anxiety jumping to the worst conclusion)
• I am still working at my place of employment and I really love it. My coworkers are great and always keep a smile on my face. 
• Still living with my grandparents and I am currently without a car. Losers unite! (Don't worry I'm just waiting to hear back on my car loan and then I will cruise the 'vard again)
•  I have lost 7 pounds since November. I am working hard to eat healthy and exercise regularly and I feel great (usually) because of it. 
• My twin sister is visiting from Germany and I couldn't be happier about it. 

The next post that I am going to do (shortly) is going to be fashion-focused. I haven't quite decided what I want it to be more than that because I have lots of ideas jumbling in my head, so if you want to see anything in particular PLEASE comment. Or email. Or text. Or homing pigeon.

I honestly hope that all of your lives are going excellently, and that you are having a rad day/night. Stay cool. 

I Kept My Promise

I Pinky Promised to you guys that I was going to post today and let you know what my list is. I take Pinky Promises VERY seriously and so here I am. haha
I think I may have said that I was going to hang it on my mirror and take a picture of it and post it? (At least I think that's what I said and I am FAR too lazy to open another tab on my browser and look) But my stupid computer is being stupid and not letting me put a picture on this post for some reason.... So I am going to do this old school and just type it up. A little more boring... but that's okay. You will get the point anyways.

My Plan to be Stellar Samara!

• Keep your day-timer with you at all times so that you don't forget to write anything in it. (I know that having a day-timer that is not on my phone is so archaic... but I don't care. I prefer keeping track of my life that way. haha)
• Stay organized! (I'm currently working on more detailed plans for this one)
•  Re-evaluate your budget monthly.
• Exercise more and eat-out less.
• Have more fun with your wardrobe. (More mixing less matching?)
• Keep doing your happiness journal. :)

This list may not seem like much... but it's exactly what I need right now. All of these goals are attainable and will all benefit me greatly. I like to throw in one easy and fun goal to keep things light. (Thus the clothing goal.) But the rest of the plans listed I am really excited about and I think that my life will just be all the better because of them.

Just a shorty little posty today. :) I hope that you guys are all doing well. Let me know what some of your goals and plans are! Do you have any tips to help me keep mine?

Keep on Progressing!

Alright everybody. I'm probably the worst blogger because I post so sporadically... but that's okay. I mainly do this for me anyways.  But still - I apologize about it. Moving on!
My life is kind of crazy right now. I guess it's always kind of crazy - that's the way life is. But it seems to be especially crazy right now. Let me update you.

I'm still living with my grandparents and I have a really great full time job with wonderful people, so I am really happy about that. I have such a stellar relationship with my family (this includes my immediate and extended family members) and I am so grateful for all of them. My friends are about the best friends a gal could ask for. They are seriously thee coolest cats in town. I also have a babe boyfriend. I know - you're like "Whaaaaat? I thought that you didn't even want a boyfriend!" And to that I retort, "Well I didn't want a dumb boyfriend. The one I caught is the sweetest, most loving and positive dude. He's a hunk that I am so lucky to have found." So now that you have probably puked from how lovey-dovey that was, let me get on to the harder things.
My car is out-of-service right now. Kill me. And there are so many complicated things to go along with it. It has been a big frustration in my life trying to figure it out. And it's going to cost me an arm and a leg and my soul apparently. But I have definitely learned a lot from this experience. Sometimes we have to learn things the hard way because then we remember the lessons better. I think. Even though it sucks royally, you have to look at what you can learn from it. (Although I will admit, when someone tells me I need to learn a lesson when I am going through something hard, I want to punch them in the nose.) Back to the lessons I have learned! I have learned that I have to be in complete complete control of every aspect of my life and not let things slip under the rug. Vigilance! I am going to take a much firmer grip on everything in my life. Time to make more changes and make myself an even better person!!!

I'm actually really excited for these changes because I love to progress. I'm going to write out a detailed plan and hang it on my mirror (cliche - I know) so that I can constantly see it and be reminded of my goals and plans. When I actually make it and hang it i will take a picture and show you guys. Why am I not doing it right now? Because it's late and I'm tired... Get off my back jeeze! ;)

I guess that this is kind of a pointless post where I just told you what's going on in my life.... Wait! It's not pointless! Studies show that you tend to stick to your goals better when you tell someone about them. I know that I haven't technically told you what my goals are yet (it's late, remember?) but I have told you why I am making new goals and that is a great start. I promise - scratch that - Pinky Promise, that I will write out those goals tomorrow and I will share with you what they are.

I'm so grateful to those of you who read. Really. Thank you!
Let me know if you have any new goals or if you are making any positive changes in your life. I would love some fresh ideas!!

Staying Positive

I'm sorry that I haven't posted in so long! But here is a update on my life...

I'm still working at The Ogden Clinic, and really enjoying it. I am really fortunate to work with some great people. I am living with my grandparents, and once again I am very lucky. My grandparents are so wonderful and supportive and my grandmother really is one of my best friends. :)

I have cut out any negative people from my life. It was hard to do, and I still miss them, but honestly it has only been for the best. Keeping myself surrounded with positive, happy people really helps me out a lot. :) I have 2 girlfriends that I am really close to and they make me feel so good about myself. They never put me down or make me feel inferior. Whenever I am feeling sad, mad, confused, etc. they both only say uplifting things and help me get back to my happy self.

I have been exercising more and it's crazy how much that helps my mood. When I exercise it feels like it clears out the cobwebs in my brain and helps me see things clearer. Not to mention all of the health benefits it brings, it helps me want to keep doing good and getting better. It motivates me to eat better, keep things more organized, and gives me more energy through out the day.

I have been working hard on my gratitude journal. I used to do it at night to sort of think about the day and regroup, but I have started doing it in the morning because I think it helps start out my day in a great tone. I like to write serious things (i.e. I'm grateful for my grandmother being such a great listener, I'm grateful that I am a smart person), but I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't throw some funny (but true) things in there as well. Probably at least once a week I write how grateful I am for pizza.

I try to keep myself busy and occupied. I also make plans in the future for me to look forward to. Right now I am exceptionally excited for this weekend because I am flying to North Carolina with all of my siblings. It has been a long time since we have all been together, so I am just stoked.

Overall I am doing really well. :) If you have any thoughts or ideas of how to keep yourself happy and motivated, go ahead and comment or email me. I love hearing from you guys.

One Year

I'm sorry that it has been so long since I have posted. :( I am obviously not the best blogger. But I truly have been very busy. I am still working full time and it's finally my favorite season. Summer!! I love the sunshine. I typically do so much better in the summer. I say typically because I have still had some hard times through the summers. But - for the most part - Summer is when I thrive.

I can't believe that it has been a full year since I started this blog. It is just so crazy to me that a full year has gone by. SO much has happened. I have grown so much since then, learned so much about me, and seen so many different things. I am amazingly grateful of how far I have come and where I am today.
I still am not comfortable about going into details about what I went through last year, but I am doing so much better today. The reminders of what I have been through are constant, but they are no longer painful. I now just see them as tokens of a journey that I had to take. A reminder of my growth. :)

I want to thank everybody that has helped me get where I am and become who I am. I cannot emphasize enough the fact that I would not be where I am without the wonderful wonderful people I have in my life. I just... I don't even have the words. I sincerely love my friends and family so much. And my readers are truly thee best. Your words of comfort and encouragement help me so much. I am so grateful to each one of you.

So this post is a celebration of YOU!!! Isn't that wonderful? It's like a surprise party made especially for you in a blog. haha So give yourself a pat on the back and give yourself a round of applause. Because you are NUMBER 1!! And I just love you. You are all my favorites (don't tell anyone ;) )

I am a Loser

I feel like I have been on a roller coaster lately. Just so many things going on in my life and it's not really a bad thing... just odd. haha So many wonderful things are happening with my family, and so many sad things at the same time. I have gained some really amazing friends, and lost some that I thought would be lifelong. Life is so wierd... it's just so unexpected. It NEVER goes to plan (at least for me). But that seems to be for the best.

Right now I am living with my grandparents, I'm not going to school, I don't have a boyfriend, etc. So sometimes I feel like the BIGGEST LOSER. Like, beyond lame. I thought that I would be so much further in my life at this point than I am. Sometimes when I meet people and they ask me what I am doing with my life I am tempted to lie, or just shout - I AM A LOSER! Of course I don't. Yelling in public places comes off as odd, especially when you are saying how lame you are. Often it is easy to get caught up in comparing myself to others. But I know that it makes it worse to do that so I am trying not to.

I've recently made the goal to embrace where I am in my life and make the most of it. I'm going to pull a Charlie Sheen if you will, and let the world know that I am winning!

So here is the plan (it really helps me to actually write out my plans)

1. Time to stop feeling sorry for myself. So I am going to start helping people who actually do have stuff to complain about. Food drives, shelters, etc. (This is also a little selfish too because helping other people makes me  feel so much better.)
2. Whenever people ask me what I am doing with my life, I am going to PROUDLY say what I am up to. I have actually come a LONG  way since a year ago. I am proud to be where I am today. 
3. I am just going to keep making myself a better and better catch. To be 100% honest (and I'm not just saying this because I am single.) I don't even want to be in a relationship right now. But I am working on myself so that when I do want to be in a relationship, I can be the best girlfriend I can be.
4. I am starting to be religious again. This is a tricky one for me because I have always struggled with my faith, but I feel like having God in my life again is only going to be a good thing. (If you don't believe in God, or are not part of any religion, just gravitate to whatever grounds you and helps you stay positive.)
5. Finally, use my setbacks to push me and motivate me into being the very best. I refuse to stay stagnant or even fall backwards. The climb is uphill, but I'm ready.

Like I said, life is completely unexpected, but it seems to be for the best that way. If I hadn't gone through what I have, I never would have made this blog. I never would have met some of the incredible people taht I have. I never would have seen the beautiful sights I have seen.  So I am choosing to embrace it. I am choosing to love my life.

I am choosing to love my life.

Love is love

Here is another post that has a different author. It's from a really great friend of mine that I have always looked up to. I for a long time didn't know that this person struggles with what they do. Once again, it's a very different struggle than mine, but I can still relate. It's amazing how you can almost always find a way to relate with somebody. I had no idea that this person was gay, and when this person came out of the closet, they lost some friends, and struggled with their family. It was really hard for them.


"Depression feels like you're drowning, while everyone around you is breathing. For me, I used to be fine, happy, outgoing, but finally reached my breaking point. Being gay has always been a struggle, people judge you and treat you differently once they find out. People wouldn't let it go, they'd always make stabs at me, call me names, and I can't even count the number of "friends" I lost after I came out. I finally collapsed in on myself. I felt alone, and like no one could ever understand what I was dealing with. I had no emotion. I was lazy. I didn't want to do anything, go out, talk to people, work, nothing. All I could think about was death. Is it worth it? Would people even care? Would I be better off? My life ceased to matter to me. I contemplated ways to do it. But finally I decided to try my last option, talk to my parents. I never realized how much they cared for me before that moment. Fact is people may not express how much they care for you. People won't always treat you the way you want, people will always hurt you, but they do care. More people care than you realize. I know it's hard to wrap your head around it, but it is a fact. Your death may affect people you never would have thought. Suicide should never be an option. It is still something that consumes my mind, but I could never go through with it. My anxiety and depression is still an uphill battle, but I can make it through, as can anyone else who sets their mind to it. I surround myself with positive people, exercise, play with my pets, go out and do fun activities, and keep myself busy with school and work. It helps so much, and makes me feel so much better. But the fact is, none of us are sane. We all have our moments and weaknesses. But we can all make it through our trials. We're not alone. "We're all mad here."

This person is doing great now, having made some new, better friends, and the family is more understanding. I look up to this person more than ever now.  And I am so proud of them.
I love how this person makes a very private struggle relate-able to everybody.  It's so true in that no matter what you are going through, there is ALWAYS somebody there that loves you and cares about you and wants to help you. I am one of those people. If you want to talk, vent, whatever - I am here. She was so smart to go to her parents before doing anything rash. You will always be surprised by the support you really have.

I hope you are having a good week. Enjoy the sunshine!

First Anxiety Attack

Sorry that it has been so long since I have posted (almost a week!) but in my defense, my week has been a little crazy. Anyways. On to what this post is actually about. I've said it before, and I will say it again; it is a topic that I really don't like talking about because it makes me so uncomfortable. Anxiety. (Ick!)
I'm very excited to say that it is another person's post again. This time from a lovely lovely friend that I made while I was living in St George. Her name is Tessie. She really uses her words well. She very accurately describes an anxiety attack. (And it's a journal entry about the very first one that she had!) She truly is such a sweet person and it shows. I miss her quite a bit. Without any further ado, her words:

"April 13, 2013.
Last Monday I had my first anxiety attack. I can’t believe I haven’t written anything about it until now. I don’t know if you (the reader) have ever experienced one, but if not, I hope that you never have to. The only way I can describe it in a short sentence is, basically your world is ending.
The attack came out of nowhere. I was even relatively relaxed…I was just sitting on my bed with Joey (fiance) when all of a sudden, my throat felt INSANE. I thought maybe I swallowed a bug or something, and I could feel it move down my throat and into my stomach. This is when the paranoia started to set in. It felt like my throat was closing up, and I really believed that there was this “robotic bug” taking over my body. (something like transformers maybe?) By this time, I started to really panic, so Joey tried taking me into the living room in hopes that I could maybe gain some sense of normalcy.
It didn’t help. Things only got worse. I tried my best to tell myself that I was okay, but it was like my body had a mind of it’s own and did not want to listen to me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, my heart was racing and pounding so hard. I honestly believed I was having a heart attack. I felt light headed, dizzy, and nauseous. I even blacked out a few times. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I remember Joey looking at me in the eyes, telling me I was okay, and telling me to just breathe…but I really just had no control. I wanted to believe him, but I just couldn’t.
Joey tried everything to distract me: tv, tumblr(how could that not work? Tumblr always distracts me..), and even food. NOTHING helped. Joey told me he knew something was wrong when I couldn’t even eat a Popsicle which is my all time favorite treat ever. At this point, I really started to believe that I was dying. I never had felt like that before, but, I really thought those were my “last moments.” Joey kept telling me, “you’re okay, you’re okay! just breathe…” Eventually, I just cried out loud, “no, I’m not okay! I am dying! I really think I’m dying! Something does not feel right..” It’s a terrifying and unreal feeling to really start to accept the fact that you are going to die, but also sort of calming? It sounds so nuts and probably over dramatic, but that’s just what I honestly believed in that moment.
Even after that it still got worse. My whole body started to shake and twitch; every single inch of it. I thought maybe I was having a seizure because it was so bad. Joey tried holding me to get it to stop, but I couldn’t control it. It wouldn’t go away. At that moment, I started to think, “am I being posessed? Holy shit. I’m really being posessed.” I think that’s proof that I’ve seen too many scary movies. But I really thought, maybe I am being posessed. maybe this is the end. this is it.
Joey took me to bed to try and get me to sleep, but I was still just shaking so much. Eventually (and surprisingly), after about an hour or so, the only thing that helped me calm down somewhat was when I started to accept that maybe I was dying. I closed my eyes, still shaking but taking very deep breaths, almost like I was waiting to be transported to the “other side” and be greeted by all my loved ones in pure whiteness. But that didn’t happen! I eventually just fell asleep.

When I woke up the next day, I was honestly surprised, but also confused. I didn’t die? I’m still here? But when I looked to my left and saw the love of my life peacefully wake up and smile at me, I was so happy. All I could think was I didn’t get cheated! I’m still here! I still can live my life, get married, have kids and a career. I wanted to cry. Joey just hugged me and I new it was finally over.
I didn’t really even understand what “anxiety attacks” or “panic attacks” were before, but I have so much more sympathy for those who go through them now. Now I know how serious it seems in the moment, even if really nothing is wrong. And now I know for sure how damaging stress can be on your life. I am a typical worry wart. I’m not comfortable unless I have things to worry about, but it’s eventually going to kill me. I’m doing the best that I can now to work on my stress and worrying, and this journal is definitely one of my tools for that.
Last night, I was looking at the stars, amazed at how humans work. We stress about EVERYTHING: being on time to work and school, family relationships, having a perfect body and skin, getting perfect grades so we can have a great career, but what for? None of that matters. Absolutely none of it. Because in the grand scheme of things, we are just tiny little spectacles. No matter where we go, what we do, or how long we “live”, our spirits will forever exist. I will always exist. There are more spirits than there are stars. It makes you wonder why any of us ever stress or worry about anything at all. The earth is constantly moving and we’re never even in the same place twice. And all we are are just tiny little spots in the middle of space. But right now, we’re on earth, and it’s a beautiful place. People (including myself) should learn to enjoy it while they can. There’s no need to stress—especially about those things we have absolutely no control over. Just breathe…you are alive. Enjoy it."

I really really love her last words so I am going to repeat them so that they stick in your head. "Just breath... you are alive. Enjoy it."

I think that it is so profound that after such a terrible terrible ordeal, she can stay positive and put it all into a good perspective.  I find that it always helps me to sort of regroup (like she does) after I have an anxiety attack and remember that life is beautiful and wondrous. I just love this girl. She has come a long ways, but she is still growing. (Just like the rest of us.

Please comment and give Tessie some love and kind words. I hope you are having a beautiful day. Remember that somebody cares very much about you.

Sometimes You Have A Bad Day

I haven't posted for a few days. I keep meaning to post more people stories that they have shared with me. But I'm not going to do that today. Why? Because I am being selfish and I want to vent.
Just a poopy day. And for absolutely no reason. Zero.

Things are actually going so so great for me. I really love my new job and it's going well. I am learning everything and feeling comfortable with it. The people that I work with are so nice. I have been going to the gym and working out. The sun has been shining. I've been able to hang out with some fantastic friends. I really couldn't ask for anything much more.
But for some reason I am stuck in a ditch today. And it is beyond frustrating. It's hard to stay positive on a day like this and I just don't know why. I just want to stay in my bed and listen to sad music. And get fat. And sleep.

Don't worry, I'm not falling back into a spiral. I knew that I was going to have days like this. Just like I know that I will have more in the future. The trick is to not let them turn into week-long catastrophes.  And to accept the fact that you are going to have days like this.
I call them my time-out-days. I don't completely check out of reality. (I still went to work and such) But when I do get home and have time, I just vegetate.
I really don't know why my brain has to have days like this... but I know that I have to give my brain them sometimes.

Rereading this, it's probably the most boring post that I have ever posted. But I don't care because it's real. This is really what I am going through and it's a big part of my struggle with Depp. (That's what I've named my depression.)

Comment please. Send me some love. I hope that you are having a much better day than me.

Learning

I am going to give you guys a update of my life. I am back in my hometown. I actually thought that I would never be back here again because I hated it so much during and after high school. But enough time has passed that I have gotten over it. (For the most part...) But it really is a good thing to be back. Through my journey in the past year I have learned A LOT. A lot about myself, other people, and the world that we live in.
What I have learned about me:

• I honestly don't think that I will ever feel 'normal.' But I am learning to embrace that.
• I have to take 'time-outs' for myself. It REALLY helps with my anxiety if I can just pull myself away from situations for a few minutes and be alone.
• It is very important that I stay active and eat healthy. It's almost baffling how much of a difference that makes in my life.
• It's important that I make attainable goals and stick to them. Just small ones... I'm working on making the long term ones.
• I have to force myself out of my comfort zone. I am very shy when I first meet people, so to make friends I have to make myself uncomfortable and talk to people. This one has been a hard one for me and it's one that I am still working on everyday.
• I still have so much more to learn.

What I have learned about other people:

• Everybody that you love will hurt you... but it does not mean that relationships are not worthwhile.
•  People in general are inherently good. But everybody makes mistakes.
• Everybody has something that they don't want the world to know about.
• Nobody is perfect.
• People will surprise you with how understanding and supporting they can be.

What I have learned about the world:

• In bad times, people will come together in a very profound and uplifting way.
• As bad as it seems sometimes, there is always something just as good happening as the bad.
• People do want to help you. Even strangers.
• We are not alone. As much as it feels that way sometimes, we aren't. :)

Well the lists may not seem like much to you, but they are quite big positive changes for me. Everyday I am learning something new, and I am so grateful for that. I am also so grateful to all of my readers. You guys are great.
Please have a great day and know that somebody cares about you. (ME!!)

Lack of Balance

 Well my last post featuring another person's point-of-view on depression got high marks. So I'm at it again. This time another person with a different struggle. I want to say that this is a really good friend of mine, but the truth is that I have never actually met her. It's strange though because I feel like I know her pretty well. (Probably because I creep on her facebook a lot.) She is such a beautiful lady, inside and out. Her name is Pearl. Yes, that's her real name. She has given me permission to not only share her story, but to let you know who she is. So for that, I am really proud of her. It's not easy to publicly declare things like this.

Pearl's struggle is different than mine so I am really excited to share it. We do have things in common with our battles (I find that most issues do) but I have never experienced it quite like her. We both have body image issues, but I have never taken it to the level that she has. Beautiful Pearl starves herself and then binges. Here is her story from her point of view:

"Ah, where to start. I didn't always struggle. My sisters did (I have 4 sisters.) One was bulimic for a while, then anorexic. My twin always experienced a phase of starving herself. She used to be very obese, and in about 6th grade that all started to change. She starved herself and lost about 60 pounds...in 6th grade. She has kept the weight off and is about my exact body size. I was always thin, never had a problem with cravings/overeating. I actually ate quite a lot as an adolescent, and never gained weight. I had a high metabolism (still kinda do, but deny it.) I have no idea when I started picking up on habits that my Violet (my twin) shared. It was definitely in high school. I started counting my calories, and feeling as though I didn't possess the body I wanted. I started trying to eat 1200 calories, then decreased the amount to 800. I weighed about 106. I started working out after school every day. Then the Summer before college hit. I ran a lot, tried to eat healthy blah blah. Then freshman year I gained the freshman 15 and was totally oblivious of it at the time. I only noticed how much weight I gained when I lost it all about a year ago, and would look at pictures of me (from freshman 15 phase) in disgust. After I lost the weight I was so proud of myself, and kind of got addicted to that feeling of accomplishment. Last year, when I lived with Rakul I continued to try and lose more weight. I went to the gym every day, and ate 1200 calories. I lost a bit more weight, was down to about 120. Then I came home for the Summer (this past summer) and hung out with Violet a lot. She told me she had been running every day for 50 minutes and eating 1000 calories. I was jealous of her discipline, and decided to try and prove that I could do the same. This is where my habits start to get a bit ridiculous. So, I'd been running about 30 minutes maybe every other day, if that much, and eating 1000 calories. This dramatic change in my lifestyle clearly took too much of a toll on my body, so I'd end up engaging in pretty intense bingeing sessions, due to a series of days of starving myself. It's only gotten worse. If I overate one day I would "make up for it" the next day by starving myself/not eating anything for the whole day. Now I overeat so much during these bingeing sessions that I'll starve myself for 3 days after. I think the longest I've gone is 4 days.
The crazy thing is I know exactly how counter-productive this is. I've taken a nutrition course, and everyone in my family is extremely educated when it comes to nutrition. I know why what I'm doing is wrong, unhealthy, and more likely to cause weight gain rather than weight loss. It's become more than wanting to be thin. It's become an addiction a feeling of control. I feel powerful when I'm controlling my eating habits.
Sometimes I think I even subconsciously overeat JUST so I get to starve myself, because knowing I'm doing something so f*cked up gets me off. Knowing I'm doing something that some people would call crazy makes me feel a little high. And it's a plus that I feel tiny during my days of starvation.
Now, with every high comes a crash of depression. After my body can't take the starvation, I'll end up bingeing...and when I do...it is the most intense feeling of shame, disappointment, depression, and disgust that I have ever felt. Because I'm ashamed of eating I'll overeat alone.. Then after I feel like a monster. Like the most repulsive piece of sh*t on the planet.
I can't remember the last time I ate a normal, balanced amount of food for a consistent... 4 days let's say. I either overeat or eat nothing at all. It's to the point where, on the days of the starvation routine, even eating just an apple will fill me with immense guilt and I'll suddenly feel hopeless. Then, because I ate that one apple, as opposed to nothing, I'll just give up. When I give up, I binge.
Sometimes I think I'm learning, I'm getting better at feeling okay with eating more than such small amounts. Sometimes I think I'm training myself to have a more balanced eating habit. Other times I think I'm only getting worse.
I kind of feel like I'm never going to change unless I have some kind of eye opening, dramatic occurrence concerning my habits. I just want to like, go the the doctors and have them tell me "Pearl, eat more, or you're going to die."
I don't really know what's going to shake me.
Oh, I forgot to mention how I feel when I look in the mirror or put pants on. I hate wearing pants because that restricting feeling around my hips is pretty much the equivalent to the love of my life (speaking hypothetically) telling me I'm the fattest person they know. And of course looking in the mirror is torturous 99% of the time. It's my legs I hate the most. And when guys compliment them it makes me feel uncomfortable and angry. This is because what's attractive to a guy is perceived as "fat" by me...because of all the times I've heard guys say they like curvy/meaty more than skinny/bony. I don't want to be curvy. I want to be skinny. If a guy calls me attractive all I'm thinking is "oh, so I'm fat." I would prefer to be so skinny that guys thought I was gross."

As you can see, Pearl is on the road of recovery, and I am so proud of her for it! :D Just like with every mental disorder (I really hate using that word, it has such negative connotations.) she has ups, and she has downs. If you were to make a graph of what recovery looks like, it is not a strait line, it has many curves, downfalls, rises, and even plateaus. But you just have to KEEP MOVING FORWARD.
I really cannot tell you how great I think Pearl is for sharing her story because she is not at the end of her battle. She is still fighting. I think that it is easier for somebody to announce their issues AFTER the issues have run their course. She is doing better though (!) and I want to say that I will always be here to help her. Just like I am here for the rest of you. So far nobody has emailed me, but honestly you can email me anytime and I will be glad to be a listening ear or offer advice. (Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, I am only working from my personal experience.)

I wish that you could send hugs through the internet because I would send one to her. She is so great.
We are all working at our demons, but we are not alone! So don't feel so bad. Don't feel so lonely. Don't feel so crazy. Just accept what you have and move on from there.
Please please comment and send Pearl some positive energies. I hope you are having such a great day. Much love.

Love Always Wins

So I have been tossing an idea around in my head for this blog. I think that I am going to incorporate a different approach to what I'm doing. You see, I know many many people that suffer with depression, anxiety, mood disorders, eating disorders, etc. And many of them have shared with me how great they think this blog is and how proud they are of me being so honest about my struggles. But I am definitely the minority here. Most people don't want people to know about what they are going through. They are more comfortable being more private about their lives. And that is totally fine. Whatever makes you comfortable, is what you should go with. :) I am definitely one of those people that applauds the differences in people. That's what make humans so great. We are all so different. And it is lovely.

But back to what I was starting out saying; my new idea. I want to share more stories with you. Other people's stories. So I have asked a few people in my life (on the internet, in real life, on the phone, etc.) to share their stories, experiences, and thoughts with me so that I might share it with you.
The way that I see it, the more people that we can relate to, the less insane we feel.

So I am going to start out this new chapter by quoting a great friend. This person and I have helped each other out of some difficult times. I really love this person a lot and I am very proud of them.

"We read of bombs going off in foreign countries, in shopping malls, the twin towers, or on the streets of Boston. The death toll could be in the hundreds or thousands. But what of the bombs that are about to explode in the minds of the depressed? Sure, there is only one life at stake, but that life is your own.

The death toll of the depressed comes one at a time, day in and day out. No fan fare, no news coverage, no hoopla. Are their deaths less significant? Not in the least. For these people are mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters and friends. They are co-workers, business owners, spouses and life partners. They have contributed to society in very significant ways.

Please don’t overlook the one. Recognize the signs. Help them fight the fight. There is a very real war going on, it’s just going on inside our heads."

I really love and totally agree with what this person said. It's a very fresh way to look at a very real problem. That's another reason I want to do this, so that you and I, can get another perception or thought on what we are going through.

So if there is anybody out there that really wants to share your story, but you want it to stay completely anonymous, let me know. I would be happy to share your story. Even if you want to share it, and you don't want to be anonymous, I can do that too. :)

Go ahead and comment and share some love with my great friend. And have a great day!